257 Weeks

2010-11-29T00:01:00.000-05:00

blarg

2010-07-04T00:57:00.003-04:00

my life is shitty right now. Come see my Fringe show to cheer me up!

http://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=135090309851082&ref=ts

Really? Her?

2010-04-13T23:46:00.001-04:00

You know when you introduce friends to other friends and they end up liking each other more than you and they end up pushing you away or not caring about you anymore?

No? Oh, sorry to bug you then.

Drunkland Tales: Volume V

2010-04-10T00:55:00.006-04:00

All I want right now is someone to talk to. Someone I can be honest with and cry to and not worry about being judgmental. I just want to tell someone my tale for the night so I can drift away into sleep relatively worry-free.

Clearly, that is not going to happen. My best friend doesn't live in this city, and though I know she is there, is still arguably my best friend in that I am not anywhere near a priority. Elle is... otherwise occupied. And anyone else? No, who am I kidding; there's no one else.

Tonight I learned the reason why I will be forever single: I'm funny. That's it. That's all. Simple and ultimately unsatisfying answer, but completely true. In fact the quote of the night is: *laughter* Oh, I almost choked, and that's why you're single.

Do you want to know what brought this all on? of course you don't , but too bad: I was kissed. By a gorgeous man. A charming, muscle-y, funny, man's man. And for a moment, yes I thought I was special. I thought the way we had been talking all night, the the touches and the quiet moments were all something to put behind the kiss. Apparently I was wrong, as per usual. What I also learned tonight: there's always someone out the who can top you in every way possible, so don't be a cocky bitch when a good looking guy comes a long and kisses you - he's probably kissed someone better than you that day.

I think it's time to invest in some cats and a home in the woods.

If everyone could see me with her eyes

2010-04-03T00:47:00.004-04:00

She turns to me from the camera screen and breaks a soft smile and says "You are so beautiful".
She looks though tears and says to me "I love you".
She reads my words and says "You are brilliant".

I wish I believed her.

I really don't want to go back to the way I was before.

2010-03-28T00:24:00.002-04:00

I'm really upset. No, really. Could I tell you why? Nope. Do I know how to fix it? Nope. Is this going to be useful at all for me. Nope.

I think I'm having my first panic attack in a year.

My vice-chest is tightening, my tear-tap is leaky and my concentration is shot behind the barn.

I never know what to do in this situation. I write, but it doesn't ever help. And I still don't know what does.

Reason #93 why I love my gay boyfriend...

2010-03-26T13:33:00.001-04:00

"You get out of the friend zone! You get out of it and you get fucked!"

My inner old man is rejoicing at the news

2010-03-25T02:57:00.003-04:00

I am King Lear.

oh my tweets, where did you go?

2010-03-23T22:05:00.002-04:00

smashworks: pretty sure that's the first time I've caused someone to throw their phone down the stairs by slapping their ass.. lol

serafinowicz:I used to be a werewolf, but now I'm a weren'twolf

noelfielding11: my hair has been xrayed and is spending the weekend relaxing in france with some friends (The Sideburns)

ChrisLacelle: We can split the atom but we cant un-cook an over done steak: The great scholar, Max Eves

darkabella: @Me it's like we're connected spiritually... and vagina to vagina. know what i'm saying? we're bosom buddies.

darkabella: gah, i can't deny the truth any longer, just added the "twilight" series to my fave books on my facebook info. BUT THAT'S AS FAR AS IT GOES.

rustyrockets: If I force my cat to have sex with another cat am I an accomplice to rape? If so where does this leave dog-breeders?

rustyrockets: Ah sunday! There's nothing quite like it is there?Wednesday?You're insane.Tuesday? Tuesday is a pointless day and ought be banned.

rustyrockets: Just spilled some chocolate raisins in my cat litter tray. I'm still eating them- they're delicious. One tasted of tuna and cat-angst.

rustyrockets: I got my cat a passport- he got arrested for carrying cat-nip, which is cute. And a gun which is less so.

please don't be writing about me, please don't be writing about me, please don't be writing about me

2010-03-20T23:51:00.004-04:00

Someone's sibling is writing a story. It is about that person. And someone who sounds a lot like me.

This is not the first time someone has written something literary (I use that term loosely) about me, but the last one didn't turn out so well.

This sibling is lovely, albeit very young and I'm afraid her views may be skewed. Perhaps in my favour... perhaps not.

All I can do is cross my extremities in hopes it is not in fact about me.

Where have I been?

2010-03-18T21:09:00.003-04:00

What is it with me and ignoring this blog? Or blogs in general for that matter! I love writing, and I'm avoiding it like a nun to church street. (zing)

I guess it's that I feel I don't have time for anything anymore. I'm so busy and it's slowly driving me insane. That's a lie, it's more like it has rapidly driven me insane. I have no control anymore, on anything.

I have been trying to write though. Outside of the internet, outside of class, inside my notebooks. And my head. I've got the idea for at least 3 new plays. Sadly it's be weeks of research for each so I really can't start them until the summer. Which is actually quite upsetting. I have so many ideas floating around but so much homework. I seriously just want to sit down for a month and write non-stop.

Side note to those who may slightly care, my football teams are squaring off against each other Saturday. My heart is breaking every so slowly.

painful cheekbones

2009-12-18T00:15:00.004-05:00

I learned yesterday that a good friend has gone to jail. I'm very upset by this. Within the first day or two of being there he was beaten. It is exactly the way it is perceived by television. I had no idea what was going on until someone told me. I just don't know what I am/should be feeling right now.

I haven't written in forever and I can't believe this is the first thing I'm writing about. it's the only thing I've had the drive to write about lately. I have no urge to do anything else. I don't want to finish writing my essays, I don't want to look at my scripts, I don't want to go out, I don't want to see people, I don't want to shop, i don't want to dance, I don't want to leave my apartment, I don't want to celebrate christmas. I don't want to do anything.

This morning I woke up at the foot of my bed. I wonder where I'll wake up tomorrow.

To hell with it

2009-09-11T14:30:00.001-04:00

I'm done with this bullshit. I'm officially taking this year for me. Working hard to get my marks, to get out. Fuck the people. All of them. I'm done trying.

Ballon

2009-09-08T22:54:00.003-04:00

So I'm putting together this thing. This portfolio thing. Of writing. I'm so lost, I have no idea what to include or what is even good enough to include. Frustration is taking over.

So I've been trying to get a hold of people lately yet no one seems to want to see me. I've been contacting people from back home, some JPers, some Glendonites, and the randoms in between. There's been no love. Probably because school is starting up. Though not everyone goes to school, I find that time of the year gets crazy for everyone. However, i will be going home this weekend for my friend's birthday which should be fucking epic. That's right, I'm dropping F-bombs on this one. I'm so excited, he's so wicked. After my friend dropped out of his band he moved to Ottawa but has been quite lonely as no one visits him. Except for me. And I just heard that the boys from the band are surprising him so they'll be there too! I'm going to have copious amounts of fun and then, hopefully, when I arrive home I'll be able to get on track with my friends here.

Also, I don't think he reads this, but I have to say that I love my friend Trevor's photography. I've been creeping some of the photos he has on facebook and I'm loving them so much! :D

I'm in so much physical pain right now. Another addition to the weirdness.

2009-09-04T09:54:00.005-04:00

I have been having weird visions lately. While I'm walking and listening to music I start zoning out and seeing things. Not premonitions or anything of that nature, more like the past. I keep seeing distinct images of breaking down, and all the feelings that went along with it. It's quite distressing.Specifically I'm seeing stuff from just after my mum started getting better. When she took her role back as mother and i had no control over anything in my life.

At one point in my life I was the mother. I took care of the things my dad didn't know how to do and my mum couldn't physically do. I became an adult too soon and my friends all abandoned me because they didn't understand. I don't blame them, they were just kids, afraid of the difference in me, it's not their fault. Despite losing them, I was okay because I had something to fall back on. It didn't make me happier but at least I knew who I was, I had something to hold on to. Then mum got better. And that was great, it was really great. But as she got better, I got worse. I didn't know where I stood: I wasn't a kid, yet I hadn't had the childhood to shape me as a teen. I sort of jumped from childhood to adulthood without getting the chance of seeing the in between. So I was lost when i was allowed to be young again.

Enter break downs. I probably should have been in therapy. But I don't think my parents believed in that. You can see why I do not enjoy reliving them. I'm not sure why I keep daydreaming, more like having daymares. But I think I should either do some sort of soul searching or ignoring them until they go away.

I much prefer the idea of packing them into a little mental box never to be opened again.

twits. i mean tweets.

2009-08-30T23:19:00.002-04:00

subwaypoetry Hearing Patrick Stewart say "horny" just made my day.

boburnham Everyone has heart attacks and dies in the first ten minutes #finaldestination5

serafinowicz I wish the postman would stop delivering my voicemail. His accent is awful.

rustyrockets Often a gentleman likes to enjoy a plum to take his mind of the stress of mediocre fellatio. One must get five a day... x

MKupperman I think a great ending for this decade would be if the twin towers were in the shower, and it had all been a dream.

nickjfrost She's the physical embodiment of all that's wrong with our society. The worse it gets, the bigger she'll become. Like chav-hulk

mrseancullen Another flight. I'm excited. I am dressed as little tiny amoeba. I hope they search my vacuoles!

mrseancullen Mars willl be very close to earth tonight. I plan on leaping towards it screaming "Up yours, Mars!" Join me!

radiomaru I live in a tiny oasis of insufferably smug hippies & liberals in a giant desert of ignorant white people #foxnews

mrseancullen I was driving down the 405 freeway this morning and I hit a Unicorn! It's nice to know there's still magic in the world. Or there was.

Drunkland Tales: Volume IV

2009-08-30T02:08:00.002-04:00

It's going to be really hard not thinking about you tonight.

I'll have The Format on repeat to let Nate sing me to sleep.

a short list about my week.

2009-08-26T23:31:00.002-04:00

I like:
- when boys (who you don't expect to remember something about you) remember
- doughnuts hugging pizzas
- Winners
- not having to fake my way through an evening

I dislike:
- boys who go around calling you their best friend (when that status is void)
- puppy-girls
- losers
- name dropping to make themselves feel better about a crappy life

Mixed Up As A Bowl Of Fancy Cashews

2009-08-25T21:27:00.005-04:00

I really worried myself the other day. For no reason as it seems.

I had a great dinner/enormous chat session with a friend. And was feeling pretty good on Sunday. Then said friend and I talked again and he seemed pretty low. Though it means nothing to all of you, it means something to me. We really did have a ton to talk about, lots of laughs, some serious things, all in all we talk about real things and I feel like I'm still connected to the real world when we have talks like that. So why so low? Whatever it was, it brought me down and freaked me out.

Until earlier tonight that is. Apparently things are fine. And no, the vagueness is not lost on me.

So now I'm scratching my head, sitting here like an idiot looking like Patrick the starfish. Huh?

tweet tweet tweet

2009-08-23T23:49:00.003-04:00

jephjacques Women are weak-willed and probably being mind-controlled anyway #GIJoeMovieMessages

BigBoyler my eyes are sweating MY EYES ARE SWEATING

Rich_Fulcher My Fortune Twitty today: You will marry Zac Ephron and develop a rare form of penis cancer.

serafinowicz Just watched two helicopters having mid-air sex.

noelfielding11 I am the sure the white cat staring at me through the window is someone I once new who is no longer living. I just get that feeling.

serafinowicz Heather Mills was going to remarry, but now she's getting cold foot.

Rich_Fulcher Barnes and Noble and Hitler #unpopularstores

Rich_Fulcher Hey don't forget, today is National "National Day" Day

jimmycarr David Walliams has two birthdays. His real birthday which is today and his official birthday - as do all queens. ;)

rustyrockets For Americans - to nick means to steal. Tap means faucet and fanny means vagina. Be careful out there

I just wanted to dance to bad music.

2009-08-21T01:40:00.003-04:00

Can you fall out of love with yourself?

I've spent a very long time learning to love me. It's been one of the hardest journey's of my life. But when I realized I loved me I became happy. And others felt the love that I had for myself, and in turn, others loved me too. And there was all kinds of love flying every which way: my friendships were healthy and abundant, my love life was starting fresh, my family was the best, my writing was becoming fluid and unstoppable, my sex life was absolutely amazing. The love was engulfing me. And I loved all the love back truly and wholly. I was finally comfortable in my own skin, with this personality.

Then I just stopped.

I don't know when and I don't know how, but I don't feel like I love me anymore. I'm not happy as myself. I don't love the woman in the mirror as I once did. And when I look around it has effected everything: it's a struggle for me to get any face time with friends, I've stopped having crushes, my family is falling to pieces, my writing is lacking and fearful, and forget about sex. It's as if the love has vanished. Like, if I don't reflect my self-love to others, they don't see love at all. And i can't for the life of me figure out how or why but I am so scared of loving again. The road he was so dangerous to my self-worth, esteem, that I'm scared I don't think i'll be able to make this trip in tact. I'm afraid I'll lose a little piece of me along the way and the woman i emerge from at the end won't be me but a hardened shell of the woman I was.

saying "It's hot as balls" cannot possibly describe the levels of heat in this apartment

2009-08-18T23:34:00.003-04:00

I am dyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyying. Sort of.
It's too damn hot.
I'm writing a fic for a couple of my LJ comms and I am so hot that it has turned my mind to mush. I can't even write about the things I was so inspired to write about in the first place. To be honest, it's only half the heat. The other half is that I'm worried about how to write a certain part. A certain incredibly graphic part. More like several certain incredibly graphic parts. It's one of the moments that you have to take feelings and reactions from real life. But I'm just nervous about exposing myself in that way. Or saying things tat aren't experience related and people reading it and being... well, all judgemental as people do.
Guh, I am pretty much the worst person in the world to do what i want for the rest of my life. i don't think i can handle the scrutiny of the world the way other writers can. i don't think i'm gonna last long.
I am so liiiiiiiiiiiiiiistlesssssssssss right now.

family matters

2009-08-16T23:59:00.002-04:00

Tonight was the third night that I watched a family of raccoons almost get smooshed by cabs. And they are always trying to cross in the same place, ironically at a crosswalk, but can never manage to make it over. So tonight I helped them. I hit the button for the crosswalk lights. The cabs stopped. the raccoons crossed. The whole world smiled.

"I tweeted myself" sounds very wrong.

2009-08-16T17:07:00.003-04:00

Rich_Fulcher are you still eligible for the mile high club if you masturbate on an airplane?

Me about GI JOE Or mindless piece of crap? Hollywood has decided it's okay to steal and gang bang my childhood. Rape of innocence is never good.

nickjfrost it's nice when the ant bakers open the vents in the midden, the smell is amazing. Fresh Ant bread, with a slice of aphid bacon. mmmmmmmm

serafinowicz Although they sound beautiful, pianos secretly hate music.

BigBoyler Two wasps facts 1. They're the only insects that pollinate maple trees 2. They're the only insects that celebrate birthdays

noelfielding11 I saw a group of unicorns all watching the Wire yesterday. They were so in to it.

JoeEngelhardt accidentally typed in "titter.com" this morning. Results were less pornographic than one might expect.

serafinowicz The latest dolphin fashions are for human-style wigs, moustaches etc.

MaxwellEves How great would it be if female humans were attracted to me the same way female mosquitoes are?

fayewhitaker butt status: sweaty

I think i would very much like having Eric Bana as my husband...

2009-08-15T01:05:00.003-04:00

I've been emotionally retarded as of late. Sorry, retarded is rude. Unstable. Crazy. Idiotic?

The problem is I don't know why. So I keep doing and saying awkward things because I can't control myself. I seem to be caught up in intense waves of varying emotions. It's kind of been a struggle to keep solid.

So I'm finding distractions. People, work, liquid, entertainment, projects. Not enough writing though. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it sets off the crazy.

An example of the unpredictability: worked for 6 hours then decided I was bored of it so I went home. I got home and all was calm, then a sudden urge of really happy energy made me want to go see a movie. All alone. A date night with my city, if you will. Then, because it took me 30 minutes to decide on the movie I wanted to see (which is the movie I wanted to see from the start, if I was to be honest with myself) I got frustrated. I started feeling angry and introverted and trapped. So i went for a walk, ending up near the theatre. Went in and could have watch the movie I wanted earlier but decided I needed something I have no preconceptions about if I was going to enjoy it. I didn't want to ruin the movie I wanted to see with my mood swings. I ended up watching 'The Time Traveller's Wife', cried at a movie for the first time in forever, and went home content. Now I am just baffled at myself.

I'm just being so irrational and illogical with things. Although, to be fair, 'The Time Traveller's Wife' was actually a really good idea and choice. I won't ruin it for anyone, but it's definitely not sci-fi at all. It's more about the effects of the sci-fi stuff on really people. Which is something that I always find really interesting. It's strange but I find aliens and monsters much less interesting than the lengths people go to overcome them and how they cope. It's probably why I like Shaun of the Dead so much.

completely random off topic sidenote: I'm currently talking to someone who is condemning Bret Hart for cheating on his wife while on the road. This is amusing to me as this paricular person has never been in a relationship where they didn't cheat on thier significant other. Even now, I beleive there is cheating afoot. Ah, humans, we are such hypocritical creatures.

self-destruct-oh

2009-08-14T10:18:00.001-04:00

I think I've ruined a good thing and, after things like this that happened before, I still don't know how to fix it.

If we don't behave they'll cut us down again

2009-08-12T15:53:00.002-04:00

I am really glad I didn't drunkenly blog when I was at home. My god that could have ended badly. And not just because my second (count em, 2nd) laptop keyboard's letters "i" and "k". And we all know I would have been swearing. A lot.

Good points:
- Got to see Buddy, a man whom I miss greatly.
- Good times with Manda. Lots of drinking and smoking, and uh, smoking.
- The pool! The glorious pool!
- My beautiful little nephews are growing up so fast! And are still so adorable!

Bad Points:
- With Buddy came his Ex, who I'm pretty sure hated me while he was in the band. She's still whiny, too.
- Douche was with Manda. Douche is... a special little creature. Mostly a douche.
- Only got to swim ONCE!
- Didn't get to see Candice or my godson... I'm so entirely broken up about this.

I was really gone Monday night. I'm looking back at my tweets and FB updates, which are coherent but really random and hilarious. Despite that, I really wish Manda and I could leave her house one day. I go there, watch britcoms, drink, get covered in dog/cat hair, smoke, die a little inside, go home at 4am. It's pretty much an endless cycle.

Random randomness: Saw my high school sweetheart for the first time in like 5 years. He looks the exact same. He is basically the same person. I feel a little better about myself. Not that I'm holding any animosity between us, it was a long time ago and he's very nice. It's just that everyone I went to school with never changed, they fear change. I love it. Change is my BFF.

tweeeeeeeeets + blah blah blah

2009-08-09T10:27:00.003-04:00

Lots of Rich Fulcher today. I'll stop reposting him when he stops being awesome. Which will be never for your information.

JeffBryanDavis If whales could see an episode of Whale Wars, they'd kill themselves.

Me Hey, shower, what the hell is wrong with you? Why are you always giving me the cold shoulder?

serafinowicz Ants are the only creatures other than humans to use condoms.

Jimmylazers Off to see the moon, the film, not the milky white bitch!

Rich_Fulcher Don't forget, today is 'National Hit a Bird in the Mouth Day'.

serafinowicz I'm glad I'm not a cannibal. I'd be hungry all the time.

Rich_Fulcher Today is National "Take A Wizard To Lunch" Day.

Rich_Fulcher I love East Bound & Down more than my own vagina.

rustyrockets I love NY and it's inhabitants. I could wander the street licking people's faeces just to convey my affection. Sorry, I meant faces. Either.

rustyrockets Other 3 words after sex include "tell your friends" "take that society" and "swim, little me's"

ALSO: heading to Ottawa today... of course my aunt is late as per the usual. Back, tuesday? I think? Question mark?

Rhymes with "blinvisible"

2009-08-08T02:48:00.004-04:00

I seem to be this cliche with old friends. Out of sight, out of mind. Which is good and bad all at the same time. The good because when I am not around and come back the forget all the bad times, the drama, the other lives and things are nice. Sort of. They are stable and unassuming at the least. The bad because when I am not around I no longer exist. They forget the good times, the parties, the jokes, they kind of just forget I was there too and that, once, we all made each other happy.

I wish I had that ability sometimes. To forget. The truth is I can't. My mind keeps all that junk lying around for my memory to trip over. The good, the bad, the unbearable, the amazing, the clever, the ridiculous, the heartbreaking - all of it. Though I'll never be able to forget the way I've been hurt, I can never forget how they made me happy.

I think that's the reason why I have such a hard time letting go of anything. I'm still tied to everyone that's ever touched my life in any minuscule way. That's a whole lot of rope. And a whole lot of knots. Sometimes I feel as if there are just too many to keep track of, and I lose my grip on the important ones. There are just so many ropes in front of me that I can't decipher which is which, and the ones I really want to keep are getting lost in the tangled mess.

And because of this I often get this overwhelming feeling that the knots aren't nearly as tight as I had always thought/wished/hoped they were.

Sometimes I'm Still A Little Naive

2009-08-04T17:05:00.004-04:00

I think I just don't understand. How could people after all these years, all the wars and prejudice, all the freedom fighting and marches, all the advocation for basic human rights, how could people still be so closed minded? I was on Twitter and noticed Matt Lucas, a lovely and funny (as well as gay) comedian has had a lot of trouble lately. Slurs against his sexual orientation as well as his health and the fact that he has Alopecia, have been pouring in and really I just don't understand.

I tweeted back at him, addressing my concern, saying basically what I have said here (in 140 characters or less): I don't understand how such closed minded awful people like him still exist! Referring to a particular person who recently said some awful things to Mr. Lucas. Moments later he direct messaged me, simply stating: I know.

Most of the time, I consider myself to be quite aware of the world, it's ins and outs, it's bad and good. But there are somethings that when I approach the subject I still feel like a child in kindergarten; I keep asking why, even when I'm given an answer. Because, frankly, I don't understand the answer, nor the reason that in this day and age and times of openness and acceptance I am still asking why.

Tah - Weets

2009-08-03T13:28:00.002-04:00

darkabella @Me OMG, I COULD BE CALLING YOUR CELL PHONE WITH AN EMERGENCY! what if my eyebrow runs away? you won't be there to comfort me :(

rustyrockets 10AM- It's changed. See you at the Plaza. Please be prepared to flash- Your privates, not like a lighthouse. x

radiomaru "What is this line for?" "Something that nerds like" #sandiegocomiccon

Boosh_Storm_USA Hey, it's Bobby Bob. Mutha humpin good time in NY. Thank youze for givin us many love times. San Diego next. Where the hump is that?

serafinowicz "The name's Christ. Jesus Hesus Christ."

MLGiannini #nicerfilmtitles The Empire Chooses Not to Dwell on the Past

Rich_Fulcher i want to wear caffeine clothes i need so much coffee.

Me Toilet Pirates: booty for your booty.

Rich_Fulcher Leaving NY for San Diego soon. Bye New York: we came, we saw, we made love squeezins to every one of you! xx

kadarski I'm gonna make August my bitch

Language

2009-08-02T11:43:00.002-04:00

I really love language. The way words sound, specifically. I like how certain words are better when pertaining to certain moods or situations. Like in a sexual context. Think of the words you use during sex. Fuck. That "F" makes you bite your lip to say it. *F*uck. And that's just plain hot to watch someone bite their lip like that. *F*uck. And the "U" gives this "uh" to it. Like a moan. You don't say "uh" like that unless you are enjoying yourself. You can't fake the "uh" in f*U*ck. But my favourite part is the end. That "CK" sound. Fu*CK*. *CK* *CK* *CK*. It's hard. It's rough. It's sexy. Making love is sweet, but you know what you're in for when you fuck.

In reality, we sort of have a limited vocabulary when it comes to sex. So we really have to pick and choose what we say carefully. One wrong word can tend to change the situation, in an unpleasant sort of way. One time, I was fooling around with a guy and he wants to dirty talk a little. Which I'm totally into and it's getting pretty hot and at one point he stops, looks straight into my eyes and says "suck my wang". What? Your what? That's a party foul for me. The wrong word takes everything to a halt for me. Now tell me: how the hell do you expect me to want to pleasure something that sounds like a wet noodle? Using the word wang makes me think you are 12 years old, and in that case, I'm going to jail for the things I've been doing to you.

The word he should have used there was cock. I would've even settled for dick. But cock... it's such a hard word. A big hard word. A cock is something I'd want to fuck, not a wang. How would you even propose to fuck a wang? Stuff it in? Maybe you fold it up like a letter?

Despite the word wang, I think there's more luck when describing male genitalia as oppose to female. You've got dick, and cock, but what do we have? Pussy? that is an awful word. It's the sexual equivalent to penis. Sounds like you're whispering, like downstairs is a place we can't talk about. It's off limits. What else? And don't you dare say "vagina" as that is probably one of the worst words in the english language. Do you know what a vagina is? The sheath of a sword. That's not sexy. It's a storage unit for a sword. That's like: "No, you can't have sex with it, but feel free to store your dick there for later use." Vagina sounds so clinical. But actually it's not the original clinical term. The actual term and probably my favourite word of all time is: Cunt. Now that's a word on the same level as cock. That's a word you would use when you fuck. A girl with a cunt is ready for some hard dirty action.

Is it too early for me to write this? Maybe. I guess i should let the late sunday sleepers get coffee before I say things like this.

Forgot about these gems!

2009-07-31T00:55:00.003-04:00

So I introduced some peeps to "The Best of Craigslist" today, and they are hooked. So I went on a search and found my 2 favourite posts ever.

1 - http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/733317143.html

2 - http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/561877622.html

The first one reminds me of living in my old apartment at college and dovercourt. I was going to post the second on my friends FB wall, but when I read it over again I realized that the only reason why I find it so incredibly hilarious is because I'm a woman (and it has a lot of truth to it).

I'm permenantly black and blue.

2009-07-29T16:39:00.003-04:00

I'm sort of a glutton for punishment. Not sure why, it's just my nature. No matter how much someone hurts me I am always willing to let them back in. Usually with the full knowledge that, once again, they will do something to injure my heart, pride, etc. I can't help but forgive people, we are humans and clichéd as it is we are flawed. All of us. I guess it is in hopes that some day when I need it, someone will forgive me.

Not likely, but it's a nice thought isn't it?

The truth is I give far more than I get. And I don't like admitting that. I'm much more of a doormat than I should be. Sometimes my mat says "trespassers will be shot", but that's only when the "welcome" side gets dirty. When it gets flipped to the bad side it can only stay that way for so long until the mat needs to be cleaned. Then it gets washed and all the horrid thoughts go down the drain with all the dirt. Sadly, no matter how many times it gets washed, the mat will still be stained with the bad memories in hopes to remind me of the past. But usually people just go ahead and walk across it without noticing.

I'd really rather be a wind chime or dream catcher.

Crisis: Averted

2009-07-27T23:33:00.003-04:00

Looks like I avoided a three week-ish invite to my parents' place. I've said it before but I really do love my parents, they just forget I have my own life. I'd rather go see them on my own terms. I am sad that I'll miss the family reunion, but I am not all that heartbroken. I'm more heartbroken about not getting to see my best friends and my godson. It's been far too long since I saw them. Though, I could do without the male-inspired drama I constantly have to hear.

Just found out somethings about the guy I met at pride (and I somehow became a pride couple with). My friend is so glad him and I didn't actually hook up as apparently he is super obsessive when it comes to girls, verging on crazy. Phew, glad that and our little messages afterwards are over.

because I was too gone yesterday to do it...

2009-07-27T17:21:00.003-04:00

tweet tweet tweet

serafinowicz: I wonder if bacteria masturbate.
radiomaru: man that bag of kittens is haunting me. what am I going to do with all those kittens #dream
rustyrockets: I'll need you to be excitable and loopy- occassional flashes of boobs- both male and female will be good for morale. X
Rich_Fulcher: I wonder if the federales will take sexual bribes. Does anyone have experience in this el departmente?
Boosh_Storm_USA: ah newyork like a wild horse with hooves made from buildings and tail like a long swishy building . we rode you about and lived x Julian
IAmJericho: I'm Canadian... Just give me a case of beer and I'll be fine...
garywgraham: #nicerfilmtitles Strawberries and Cream in Las Vegas
Me: Wanted a coffee but café is now a knife fighting academy. How unlucky for @darkabella I'm going to slice you and learn how to slice others!
darkabella: is now satisfied. thank you genitals :)
colinmeloy: This is genius. Make it a reality: http://www.thinkgeek.com/st...

Drunkland Tales: Volume III

2009-07-25T04:58:00.002-04:00

I can't be everything I want to be. My mother lied.

I'm seeing old faces and facing the new possibilities that come along. Hoping it helps pass the time and makes me stronger. but all I can think about is how i lack the potential to be beyond this version of me.About how i'd die for a talent. about how i want to write the way he writes his gentle heartbreak and how i want to draw the way she draws all life in simplicity and how i want to dance the way he dances with each muscle as its own man. and how i want to sing the way he sang to make me fall on my knees a thousand times over.

ive wasted so much time on the things about me that are broken that i didnt stop to find the things that actually work. so my working parts get thrown in the trash heap with the rest if the shattered bits.

high on life... and paint

2009-07-22T16:28:00.002-04:00

I feel pretty wonky today. Sick when I got up this morning, after I was woken up out of bed in a surreal sort of way, and late for work (again), then i sat in the paint cupboard all day trying to clean it out and get reid of the bad stuff. Until today i had never encountered rotten paint. It smells like vomit, fyi. Oh, and it looks like it too. That is if your vomit was bright pink... like after eating a popsicle and the vomit somehow becomes totally the colour of that last thing you ate. Great visual huh? You will never eat another posicle again. Or maybe you will, but you won't do it if you're feeling remotely ill.
Had a nice girls night last night. And by girls I mean girl, as I only met with one other person. It was nice, waiter had a nice ass... I'd go there with her again sometime.

I really want to write more but I'm afraid if I waste my time here I won't have enough time to get ready and go to the Jurassic Park photoshoot... and I miss them all too much to not be there.

It Had To Be You

2009-07-20T17:03:00.003-04:00

Today I survived an early morning encounter/meeting with the woman who broke my heart into many, many tiny fragments. She also happens to be the only woman I can trust to give me a straight answer when it comes to my writing. Therefore, I called on her for her editorial skills.

Somehow I have come out the other end unscathed. Thankfully she brought up some big changes that needed to happen in my script, that clearly I never thought through. but more importantly we talked. Just talked. About life and friends and old friends and guys and work and the summer and anything that popped into our heads. It was nice. And I was so surprised to know it was still so easy.

We never spoke of the hurt. It is much better that way. I already know what she's really thinking when we talk about it, I don't need re-assurance.

What I do need is a plan... which I sort of have. She suggested I get people together to read it, just some friends. Apparently my writing is based on interaction a lot of/most of the time. So I have to figure out a time/date/place then I'm just going to make some sort of open-ish FB event for my friends to come out and help read it! I actually don't need that many readers, but hopefully some will come out and get to be audience members too. Either way it'll be nice to get some feedback.

Peachy Tea'n

2009-07-20T02:52:00.004-04:00

It's only just turned into Monday and I already want it to be over. But I can't sleep. So this day will last forever. Not to mention I will spend the day counting down until I have to sit with her and talk about my script and only half pay attention to her cutting it up because the other half of me will have a hard time focusing because it's been so long since it's been one on one and I'll need one whole half of my brain to keep from talking all of our shit out.

Wow, that was quite the run-on sentence.

I no longer remember why I came here.
I also no longer remember why I stopped writing and why I can't start again.
And I don't know when my sleep got so fucked but it is.

I feel drunk and high and messed up but I'm none of that. Unless my tea was secretly spiked by the gods of fucking with my life.

As you know Twitter has taken over my life

2009-07-19T21:02:00.007-04:00

So I thought, hey, why not post some of my fav tweets of the week. many are my own but some are others... lets see what do we have here:

Me: @lisafender Real life sucks...let's have rehearsal!
Me: Carrie Bradshaw's nipples make me very uncomfortable.
Rich_Fulcher: i haven't have coffee yet. i could literally marry a puma right now.
yelling_bird: IT'S NOT RAPE IF IT'S A BRICK WALL AND YOU'RE HIGH ON PCP
hani87: LOL http://tinyurl.com/mjvwwe I guess I'm coming err I mean going...
rustyrockets: I'm in a place called Rochester. All this nature is making me randy, if I was a bear I wouldn't sh*t in the woods I'd fiddle with my parts.
secondpower: If we evolved from monkeys, why then, do we STILL have MONKEYS??!! :)
tobiasampersand: ...And You May Recognize Us by the Trail of Muddy Footprints. Sorry About That! We'll Clean it Up. #coolbandsmadeuncool
BigBoyler: The overground makes the tube seem like a dystopic Iranian drug den. And not a good drug den. A really rapey one, with poos.
drnelk: Snow White and her diverse group of friends #nicerfilmtitles

Note to self: never let it get this bad ever again

2009-07-19T17:05:00.005-04:00

She said: Take them with a lot of food. They're hard on your stomach.
I thought: Heard that one before, then I expect the worse and it's nothing.
Now I think: Oh shit, she was not kidding. It's literally painful. There's something clawing it's way out of my stomach and it wants out either by making me puke or by pulling itself out through my belly button.

She said: They may make all food taste bad, but it's nothing to worry about.
I thought: Nothing to worry about? Seriously. This sounds disgusting.
Now I think: All food was an understatement. Everything tastes bad. Food, water, toothpaste, my own saliva...

She said: Be aware that they will make you dizzy. So no operating heavy machinery.
I thought: Heavy machinery? I think I'll be okay. I'll be able to use the radial arm saw and climb the scaffolding without a problem.
Now I think: Will I even be able to walk to work tomorrow? Certainly i won't be biking. I'm having a hard time with typing, let alone walking.

She said: There is zero tolerance for alcohol with this. Zero.
I thought: Whatever, I bet a glass of wine won't hurt at all.
Now I think: I'm not even going to chance it.

She said: Have a great day.
I thought: Sure, whatever.
Now I think: Fuck you, Nadia, fuck you for being an idiot. Fuck you for letting it get so bad. Fuck you for having to to deal with this. Fuck you for never admitting when things go wrong. Fuck you for fucking yourself up.

the best

2009-07-18T14:51:00.003-04:00

Had a pretty good night. Wish I could've drunkenly blogged about it but I was beyond exhausted. It was sort of emotional roller coaster-y. But not in a bad way. Is that even possible?

Side note: NME radio for the fucking win!

And back. Got rid of clothes I hate, gained clothes (and shoes) I love. Had good wines. Had good times. Slept in a normal sized bed with ceiling that didn't look like it was going to crush me momentarily (not like my freakish crib-like bed in my wee hobbit hole).Also, saw Lisa who makes my life.

And this morning? That can all be summed up by this one picture:

Probably said it before, but i will say it again for good measure:

2009-07-17T15:00:00.002-04:00

James Remar circa The Warriors is sex incarnate.

Drunkland Tales: Volume II

2009-07-17T02:00:00.007-04:00

What's this? Posting again? This is 3 times in one day. One day equals the time I am awake.
Um, so, yeah, Dan Aykroyd + me + missing the peeps I love x memory tunes = craziness. For shiz, yo.

I feel as if "yo" has really fallen out of my vocab lately. That is so depressing. I started it for hilarities sake then it became a part of me. Then people didn't get it so I stopped. I need to bring that shit back... yo.

Normally this is the point when I would drone on endlessly about some subject nobody cares about, but the worst part is all you get is droning tonight. I don't even have a subject. Unless I am to talk about my fish. And though I love them, they are boring as fuck. Hot damn, look at the swears just pouring out tonight!

Cuz I'm boring, would you like to read a small blog entry-cum-monologue I wrote a while ago? Of course you do! It sucks a bit but deal with it. When you are given rights to edit this then go ahead and delete at will... otherwise suck it up and take it like a man!

So this one, here. That's me. And that one, over there. That's you.
Opposite sides of the room, you see. Typical for me. Maybe not for you but for me.
And our ignorance is perfectly normal for a while. Even nice. There's plenty of people between us and it doesn't matter because at that moment they are far more interesting and attractive than you or I. Then again, they are all more gay than either of us too. It happens sometimes.
I never forced you to me. And to be fair you never forced anything either. It just happened. You just happened. The whole thing just happened.
So we walk to the beat, slowly and deliberately. It's funny that we speak the same way too. Funnier still that not a lie was passed between us. That always feels nice when it happens.
And do you know, I may not have bothered getting close if you had not said those things? Those smooth teasing words that were much less like the lines I've heard before.
And the smirk? Well, that might have killed me. Right then and there. It's clear that nothing can be hidden from you. You already know my intentions.
And in one swift motion, pushed up against each other. Our bodies matching rhythms, cheek to cheek, wondering who would lay the first kiss and where would it all go. My face then pressed up against your shirtless chest, and I think about other dances with other men and I can't think of one that is better in any way. I think this may be the sexiest night I have ever been a part of without getting out of control.
Then your hand slowly trails my arm to my hand and you intertwine your fingers with mine. And I have no thoughts. No thoughts at all. I can't hear the music or see the people. Hell, I can't even see the rest of you. Just our hands. And fingers. A collided hot mess.
I snapped myself back to the moment. To you. To your chest. To your grin.
How little I know you and how much I want you are parallel now. And that's a little scary.
So I won't make a move for the lips. But you won't either.
So our lips are still thirsting.

There. It's done. The pain is all over. You've come out the other side a better man.

Gah, I suck!

2009-07-16T23:31:00.003-04:00

Just had the most hilarious of conversations and what do I do? Delete it.
*channeling Napolean Dynamite* Idiot!

Whatev's I still got wine to drink. And dirty dirty slash to read. And awesome music to listen to. And many hours til I have to go to work.

Why don't people live near me? I need hang outs right now. I need someone to come over and chill... damn this really should be a drunkland blog... let's have a few more and see what ensues...

sadface, yo

2009-07-16T14:57:00.002-04:00

I miss JP.
I miss the whole cast.
I miss Matt.
I miss Buddy.
I miss when douche-friend wasn't a douche.
I miss when Brynn didn't suck.
I miss living downtown.
I miss living near people.
I miss cheap rent.
I miss flirting.
I miss being healthy.
I miss having time to myself.
I miss money.
I miss when I loved everyone at my job.
I miss when I wasn't an old man.
I miss non-complicated friendships.
I miss calling someone, anyone, whenever I wanted just to chill.
I miss enjoying the free things in life.
I miss having a social life.
I miss having a life.
I miss the scents that connect to my memory.
I miss dancing.
I miss drinking (or at least I will).
I miss fingers intertwining, eyes locking, hips moving, lips shaking.
I miss writing.
I miss being able to hold my attention long enough to write a real goddamn post.

For the record

2009-07-13T03:00:00.000-04:00

Coldstone ice cream is amazing!

some planning would be nice

2009-07-12T19:29:00.002-04:00

I love my parents.
Please don't get me wrong here, I love them.
But every time they come to visit, I want to kill them.
Slowly.
You see, my family only ever comes to visit me at the worst possible times. Usually it's when I'm at my busiest. Then my mother, being the incredibly nosey person she is always asks question after question. Now, if I were to leave her alone in my house do you know what she'd do? She'd go through everything. Scratch that, she does go through everything. She goes through all my drawers, closets, cupboards, basically any where that anything can be hidden from the public eye.
And then?
More questions! And re-arranging! And throwing out my things!
Now, I remember when I was a young child. And from that I just so happen to remember there were several places in the home that I was not aloud to go in. Several/most of which were in my parents room. What i don't understand is why that did not travel to me. There are still things that are off limits in my parents home, so why the hell can't she stay out of my things?
I feel like a teenager hiding pot or booze in their room and the parents knows this and is trying to find it. Except the pot and booze are my socks and the parent has no idea what they are looking for.
This visit was extra special fun this time around because my parents brought my cousin. Now, I also love my cousin very much, but he has autism and adhd so he's difficult to track.
That also means he's gonna fuck around with my playstation (oh, yeah, it's a ps1), aand download shit i don't want/need on my comp.
Which he did.
Because of the disorders he has he also is very... odd. He always has to be touching you and right in your face when he speaks to you. This I've gotten over. But he also says the strangest things.
Which is how my quote of the week came around. As he's leaving he says to me: "Don't sleep with any men... unless they are extremely good looking... like me."
I don't think there is any other way I can end this post.

I love convos when I don't wanna talk

2009-07-11T14:26:00.002-04:00

Facebook is often the home of conversations that I just change to make me laugh.

Nic
can i be your freak <3333

Nad
wouldn't you rather be my disease?

Nic
i just want to be yours le sigh

Nad
Tish! That's French!
LOL

Nic
LMAO
i'm sooo sore.

Nad
why?

Nic
from all our rough love making of course!

Nad
wow, i dont even remember it... did you cover me with numbing gel again?

Nic
lol that's the way you like it

Nad
apparently so.

Nic
lmao
no but serious business.
i have an ulcer. :(:(

Nad
all kinds of sad face :(:(
wanna borrow my numbing gel?
i know its for sex but ulcers are kinda like sex, right?

Nic
yes actually thanks.
thats what the doctor said anyway.

Nad
the sex part or the numbing gel
cuz the numbing gel is a joke like the sex so i have neither

Nic
lol i know me too.
but the pepsinigen inhibitors aren't helping one bit. so i don't think it's an ulcer

Nad
its your love for me trying to escape from your body. youve gotta keep that shit under control

Nic
lmao
no no, it must burst forth in some sort of horrible bloody, slimey alien style rupture!!
or at least that's what the amount of pain is indicating it will do.

Nad
itll look and sound like that dancing frog, that goes "hello my baby, hello my darling, hello my ragtime gal..."

Nic
MICHIGAN J. FROG!
sorry about the delay someone came into the fun home

Nad
LOL
is that it's name michigan j frog?

Nic
yes!
ugh that lady started crying on me
so i pawned her off on one of the other directors

Nad
no crying in the FUN HOME it's called a FUN home for a reason!
oh wait....

Nic
lmao.

Nad
funERAL
lets call it the Fun Earl Home

Nic
lmao

Nad
or fun Earl's party palace

Nic
hey
if i ever get my own place
i'll name it the Fun Earl Funeral Home

Nad
LOL

Nic
uggh
i feel like i'm going to puke

Nad
puke isnt as good lube as tears, so just let me know when you atart crying and we can havew some fun

Nic
lmao
i think i need to get my gall bladder out

Nad

for serious?

Nic
fer serious.
like the doc was like its ether an ulcer or gallstones. but ulcers ar emore common so i just give you the meds without doing an sort of test at all!
and teh meds. are not helping
plus the pain TOTALLY isn't in my stomach

Nic wants house to diagnose me then cut me open! is that kinky? or just weird?

Nic
yeah i don't know
my gall bladder is just a suspicious character all around

Drunkland Tales: Volume I

2009-07-11T05:10:00.001-04:00

Let's start this off straight: I don't mind being single. I actually quite enjoy it at times. You can do things that, as a couple, would never happen. And lots of inward reflection time without the criticisms you know are true but don't wanna hear.
That being said, here it is.
Why is it that only the most vile and horrid of women have boyfriends? Women who treat their man like shit, generally abusing the whole being a couple situation, always manage to have a string of men at their disposal. And I don't just mean the hot bitches; butt-ugly-train wreck-looking-bitches, of whom I keep seeing with decent looking guys, are always abusing the girlfriend status too.
Then there's me. Hi. Not just me, there are others. A few that I even know. We are, by all intents and purposes of this, considered normal. Normal isn't a bad thing, it means we don't hate the men we say we love. I consider that normal, to actually love who you say you love. So, why don't I and several of the loveliest women I know have boyfriends?
This is by no means an open invitation shout out to nice guys to come find me, I would just like to see one nice girl get the guy in the end.

My life is such a mess!

2009-07-10T15:47:00.003-04:00

No, really. I'm a mess right now.
Just look at this blog! There are so many links on the side that I either A) don't use or B) don't exist anymore. It's just craziness. Not to mention that lately all my LJ posts are private posts therefore a total of maybe 4 people can read them.
My apartment too, that's pretty nasty. But what am i doing? Well, writing this. Yeah. I'm an idiot.

Hmm, news news news.... point form?
-My plays went smashingly this year, both of them.
-The plays that I was in that weren't mine went okay... but I spoke french on stage for the first time and nobody knew I was actually anglophone. Score one for the lie!
-Jurassic Park is going absolutely amazing. I love each and everyone involved.
-Bullshit and Friendships have not collided in sometime, which is nice.
-Ya kiss one boy and now you're stuck with naughty texts for life. Is there a cream to get rid of him?
-First apartment all alone. Love it and hate it. Love for the alone, hate for the alone with spiders.
-I haven't worked in forever but still have a job. Go figure.
-I'm running out of money. Fast.
-I'm one lazy mofo as of late.
-EDGE AND VICKIE ARE OVER!!! (god, i'm such a fucking nerd)
-2 tix for wrestling shows in September, neither of which will feature Edge as he's out with an injury. So I just wasted a lot of money.
-I spend way too much time on Twitter.
-I don't feel like finishing this...

What the cock is that about?

2009-07-09T11:48:00.002-04:00

It's been almost a year since I last posted here. I know, weird huh? I write in my LJ much more so I pretty much stopped with this one. I'm really not sure why though. I like this one. With LJ I know there is always someone watching which freaks me out a little, I like the unknown much better. I'm not a big fan of having someone constantly over your shoulder.
I really have to stop being an idiot. I know for a fact that the more I write in blogs the more likely I am to keep being creative. Which i am not as of lately.
Oh! Oh! Oh! LIES!
I am being slightly creative... I've just started a comic with a friend of mine and we have the very first one done. Now if only I had enough skillz to put this whole thing internet-wise. I'm thinking I might just post the first episode. just to see what people think. But I'm not sure.
Guess why I've decided to come back here right now?
Guess!
Go on now.
Fine, I'll just tell you, you lazy bastard. i got ditched. I was supposed to go out with a "friend" (and boy, do i use that term loosely) today, yet, as per usual I havent heard from him. I think I might go on with out him as he clearly doesn't care. He's either asleep or ignoring my texts and calls.
Fuck this noise. I'm out.

I can has update?

2008-09-20T17:00:00.000-04:00

SO it looks as if i have stopped coming here almost completely. I'm not exactly sure why. It's probaby due to that stupid addictive LJ... that's where I get all my local bands/wrestling/stenciling/crafty/clothes making/friends/city/york updates.

ok, so me... whats with me. lists are easy, like your mom:

-moved out
-moved in to what i though would be hell but turned out to be absolutely amazing
-moved to a new place thinking pessimistically again... turned out to be even more amazing (brother = best roomie ever, and basically living with the bff and his dad is hilarious)
-apparently did lots of moving
-addiction to wrestling grew. its nerdy, dorky, but oh so good
-had perhaps the happiest birthday of my life
-threw 2 of the greatest surprise birthdays ever
-met the sweetest band ever and am totally in love with my boys
-found out im going to be a godmother
-started growing a plant that i have yet to kill
-wrote short film script
-helped with film (currently in editing stage)
-finished worlds most daunting script
-fell in love with "jack brooks: monster slayer"
-saw waaaay too many concerts
-got a new comp
-did a ridiculous amount of travelling, all local
-drank with a prof
-drank with my extended fam
-had ted leo tell my brother to shut up... again
-nom nom nom
-have new tattoo plans
-so ridiculously involved in school-related stuff this year
-was a frosh leader, again
-involved myself in the most wicked frosh week ever. i am so jealous of the youngins
-figured out i am an old man, in the most hilarious of ways
-saw my first ever live wrestling match! 3rd row puts me in touching distance of my future husband, the instant classic

i'm sure there were many other things but it's hard to remember over 6 months worth of stuff in one go!

now, i am relaxing, because the week has been crazy and next week will be too. i need more than 2 days off.

People made of awesome make awesome things...

2008-08-15T22:50:00.004-04:00

That's right, it's a poorly made wrestling cake. At least now I know what not to do next time I make a cake like this... and you can bet this will now be a Wrestlemania/birthday tradition.

Resolution

2008-01-15T23:28:00.000-05:00

I decided I am going to try my hardest to actually keep my resolutions this year. I mean, it's surprising I even made any. I usually just say "Yeah, I'll think of one later" and never do.
Anyhow, I am going to write something good enough to put in the Fringe Festival. No, that's not a misspelling (something that in normal circumstances would happen), not the Glendon rip-off, the actual Fringe. I'm pretty excited, I think my test run of the play will be putting it on as my ISP. So potentially I get to run the show twice. I am determined to do this. I'm helping myself become a better person this year if it's the last thing I do. Well, second last, but only to world domination.

omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg

2007-11-17T10:08:00.000-05:00

Threadless.... has a store... in CHICAGO!

must go, need to go!

Essays and the lot

2007-11-06T17:40:00.000-05:00

I find it difficult to write about isolation when I am constantly surrounded by people. It's like I am never alone. But then again, I find my self alone most of the time. No matter who I am around, it seems like I can't connect with people anymore. That should make my essay easier.

I guess this uneven balance of aloneness and the constant bombardment of people is starting to affect me. Weigh on me, if you will. I'm not sure how to make this balance even itself out again, and that scares me a little.

I guess I should get back to work. I have quite a lot more to do.

bad idea all around:

2007-10-31T21:42:00.002-04:00

watching gorey horror movies while eating junk food while you are home alone on halloween.

on a roll?

2007-10-15T00:38:00.001-04:00

I'm writing yet another play. I know, what the fuck? I'm forcing myself to write. It seems to be the only thing keeping me sane. I figure the more I write, the better I'll get, so I should write a lot. I have plans for my writing. Big plans. I refuse to waste this, like I've wasted everything else. Look at me, forcing myself into creativity and happiness. I think I even, gulp, believe in myself. Such a strange feeling. I don't know how this is going to pan out. Wish me... something.

fuck you writer's block

2007-10-11T01:35:00.000-04:00

I've written almost a whole play, or mini play or sketch thing today. I want to keep writing, but it seems to be distracting me from my school work. Which is what I am still currently avoiding. It's kind of funny. I think I'll submit it for fridge. I think I'll be in it too, that is, if it gets in. Maybe Brynn could direct it for me, I think she'd do that for me. I kind of already have people in mind for it, but we'll see how it goes.

Maybe I should go and edit that other fridge submission too. Just because Kevin didn't like it doesn't mean it isn't good. I mean, that's what he said about the onion skit and that was most definitely the best one.

Or maybe I should do my homework then go to bed.... or not.

tough

2007-09-30T23:14:00.000-04:00

its hard to write something when you have no urge to do anything.

it's taken a year of sinking for me to realize i don't want to be here anymore.

so much indietits love

2007-09-07T12:03:00.002-04:00

why am i up so early?

2007-08-29T09:39:00.001-04:00

i thought 9:30 am stopped existing as soon as i quit my grayline job. apparently i was wrong.

this week is known as Frosh Week, at Glendon. I am, in fact, a frosh leader, or D-Frosh to phrase it our way. This makes for an interesting week. it's kind of like being a camp counsellor, except everyone is pretty close to your age, you can have fun, oh yeah, and swearing is all cool. lol.

I've started writing some short stories. Well, I think they are short stories. We'll find out. I told a good friend I was doing this and they seemed very uninterested and bored. So, I've decided just to keep my writing quiet from my friends. I may post it here though.

On that thought, I'm actually thinking of writing in this blog more. Shocking, I know. I was actually thinking of making this my writing blog. Where I can talk about my 2 short stories, 3 plays, and all the other ideas that I currently have on the go. We'll see how that goes.

I'm having some problems gettingin the writing mood. Usually I'm good at forcing myself to write but lately I can't and anything I write turns to pure and utter crap. Luckily, ideas are still flowing. I have too many play ideas, even. But this new one is pretty good. I think I'm going to really focus my efforts on it. So it can be finished for the fridge festival this year.

my god, it's been a while since i posted here!

2007-08-08T23:53:00.000-04:00

hahaha, I love it when I find crazy bruises that I didn't even know were there. It's like an adventure!

i just don't know

2007-07-08T00:21:00.000-04:00

what happens when you aren't loved? Do you fade away or dissipate into dust? Do you go on living, ignoring the obvious?

I'm quitting my job. This will be the first job I actually quit. This is also the first job that has me depressed enough to just not get out of bed. I could just lay here all day; no internet, no TV, no people, just lay here and waste away.

I want to be more than I am. But I don't know how to be.

I'M GOING TO SEE THE WHITE STRIPE TONIGHT.

2007-07-05T18:00:00.000-04:00

I'M GOING TO SEE THE WHITE STRIPE TONIGHT. I'M GOING TO SEE THE WHITE STRIPE TONIGHT. I'M GOING TO SEE THE WHITE STRIPE TONIGHT. I'M GOING TO SEE THE WHITE STRIPE TONIGHT. I'M GOING TO SEE THE WHITE STRIPE TONIGHT. I'M GOING TO SEE THE WHITE STRIPE TONIGHT. CAN'T YOU TELL HOW EXCITED I AM? I'M GOING TO SEE THE WHITE STRIPE TONIGHT. I'M GOING TO SEE THE WHITE STRIPE TONIGHT. I'M GOING TO SEE THE WHITE STRIPE TONIGHT. I'M GOING TO SEE THE WHITE STRIPE TONIGHT. I'M GOING TO SEE THE WHITE STRIPE TONIGHT. I'M GOING TO SEE THE WHITE STRIPE TONIGHT.

owie

2007-06-26T22:13:00.000-04:00

It seems that no matter what kind of shoes or sandals I buy they will all ultimately tear my feet up. i just bought a new pair of shoes that cut the back of my heels. After that I bought 2 new pairs of sandals, one of which i already took back. I'm hesitatling on the other pair because they are nice.

goddamn it's hot today. what gives, yo? i'm not complaining, just wondering.

well, today is the day

2007-06-16T01:36:00.000-04:00

21.
I guess i'm supposed to be excited, or feel different. But to tell you the truth: I don't. I really don't feel anything.
I don't think this is a good thing.

3 days

2007-06-13T12:24:00.000-04:00

... but I'm not excited as I usually am. I kind of just don't care. It's sad really.

well, i just dont know what to say

2007-06-11T09:58:00.001-04:00

I'm over an hour late for work. I havent't told them I was going to be late. I'm not going to. I don't think I'm going in. And I don't know why.

I can't blame it on Grey's Anatomy, because I finished every episode. I can't blame it on being a female, because that excuse is only useful for one week. I can't blame it on sickness, because I don't feel natious enough to actually get sick. Then what? What is my problem?

I don't know. I just don't know.

I can't get this song out of my head...

2007-06-05T01:10:00.000-04:00

Sexy Results - Death From Above 1979

Résultats sexuelles
Les résultats sont super sexuelles

Sexy girl meet me in the bathroom
Sexy girl call me on the phone
Woman friend take me to your bedroom
Let me show you how I am full grown

Sexy woman call me to your office
Sexy woman meet me after work
I wanna show you how I handle business
I wanna show you how the mail-boy flirts

My man wants to buy you something
He wants to take you out for dinner and dancing
My friend wants to take you out then home
Then home alone

Sexy woman call me to your office
Sexy woman meet me after work
I wanna show you how I handle business
I wanna show you how I work, work, work.

Fiona Apple said it right

2007-06-01T07:02:00.000-04:00

I'm ridiculous.

♫=♥

2007-05-27T16:34:00.000-04:00

t-t-t-t-t-t-tatt... ooh!

2007-05-21T23:51:00.000-04:00

oh, hello ankle, i see you have a new friend. I also see a very attractive man introduced you two.
How convenient.

lol, i'm dumb

2007-05-19T11:28:00.001-04:00

i am now aware of how much i had to drink last night. and i'm about to make you feel more aware. read in awe:

-wanted to leave early, kept thinking 'one more drink couldn't hurt'
-didn't leave until the ugly lights came up. why do i always stay til the end?
-walked home with political drunkies for half the trip, walked home alone for the other half of the trip
-wrote public livejournal post, because drunk blogging is fun.
-wrote second post that was meant to be private yet forgot to make it private. fuck.
-went to sleep at 5am
-woke up at 730am, stumbled into my kitchen in order to become hydrated, realized the time and out loud said 'fuck this'
-woke up again at 11am. body can no longer physically sleep eventhough I am dying
-made private post private and looked at my long and almost angry-like facebook status. cocked head to the side in confusion

oh, wow, i am awesome.

ugh

2007-05-12T16:28:00.000-04:00

I just wasted an hour of my life watching the worst show in existence.

Notes from the Tub

2007-05-10T23:22:00.000-04:00

I figured I'd write in the spirit of Anthony's "notes from the toilet" with my own bathroom-related note taking. I don't really have anything special to say, other than I obviously live dangerously, what with the computer near the bathtub. I should probably get to bed, ya know, and away from the computer.

Oh, I went to a Jays game tonight. It made me sad, but the drunk talk to amuse ourselves (me + 2 other people who came along) was great. Now to find out if the Sens won. (yeah, I'm being optimistic)

EDIT: Sweet, they did! :)

so tired

2007-05-10T00:05:00.001-04:00

ive just figured out im going to be crazy busy all summer. like really fucking busy. so once in a while i'd like to unwind by literally doing nothing.

why is it that when i want to do said unwinding no one else has what i have in mind?

i just cant hang out alone with you anymore. you are mean, and i don't like it. being passive-aggressively bitch slapped all night is not my idea of unwinding.

I know this sounds bad but....

2007-05-06T18:44:00.000-04:00

What do homeless women do every month when the lady business starts happening?

Just curious.

My Brief Spiderman Review

2007-05-05T13:29:00.001-04:00

I'll tell you what I told Nick:

I thought for the first hour that I had somehow stumbled into a chick-flick. And then someone got punched, so I thought it was a Hugh Grant movie.

continuing from my LJ in a cute sing-y voice...

2007-05-03T00:48:00.002-04:00

drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk

snide

2007-04-29T21:29:00.000-04:00

Ugh, I can't even read your blog anymore. I care very little about your sex life and if I have to read one more thing about the two of you I'm going to have to take you off my friends list. Seriously. By all means, write what you want, that's what it's meant for. I just don't care. When I have something personal like that to say I block it, so that it's still written but I don't have to submit my friends to the torture. My stomach is turning, and I really don't want to taste sweet potato fries again, no matter how delicious they were going down.

is may here yet?

2007-04-28T19:03:00.000-04:00

I just heard a hilarious song. First of May by Jonathon Coulton. So funny. Just listen to the words.

I think I'm having allergic reactions to the outdoors. But I don't know what I'm allergic too. All I know is my eyes are itchy/sore and I'm having some sort of sick reaction (that I havent had in forever) on my hands. Not fun.

over-worried?

2007-04-18T03:00:00.000-04:00

I'm worried about a friend. What's new?

I've always been a little worried about him, but I think right now I'm worried because he's worried. He's really not doing well, but no ones knows. I don't get why he tells me. He clearly doesn't care when people ask about it, yet he won't tell people how frightened he is. Technically he's not telling me how frightened he is either, but I can tell.

I wish I could be better comfort, but it's really hard when you can't find alone time.

Dear Life,

2007-04-14T12:34:00.002-04:00

Fuck you, I'm getting drunk.

(nooner, anyone?)

this is more than just a dance hall drug

2007-04-13T21:35:00.001-04:00

so i'm kinda freaking:
-french exam in less than 12 hours. i am so fucked.
-my room is a disgusting mess.
-there are 3 temperatures in my room, cold, hot, and really fucking hot.
-i havent bought my tickets for Brand New or Hellogoodbye yet.
-i may end up going alone to Hellogoodbye. dammit.
-school is almost done and i still don't have a job.

well, im fucked.

1:30AM EDIT
I am now really fucking pissed. my exam is at 9 fucking AM and there are douchebags outside my window who insist on yelling, smoking, and playing shitty music. I swear to god, if I hear the words "yo, man" one more time I am going to hurt somebody.
Urge to kill rising.

huh....

2007-04-11T19:17:00.000-04:00

and this is exactly why i think, scratch that, know we won't talk once we leave school.

maybe it's just talk

2007-04-10T03:21:00.000-04:00

Think what you want to, but I know that I am really fucking pretty.

i just realized something

2007-04-08T00:48:00.000-04:00

once we leave school we are never going to speak again, are we?

die young and save yourself

2007-04-07T01:37:00.001-04:00

1 - i hate that i trusted you so much and now i don't even feel comfortable telling you things. you make me feel stupid. but i know im not the stupid one. i'm done telling you things.

2 - where there are issues to be had with me just say em. i hate things not being the open, and the lot of you are notorious for it.

3 - i need you like water in my lungs.

2 - i didn't know you all felt that way. but i'm not sorry.

4 - you try so hard. but im sorry, i wont open up to you. you just dont understand, you are too young to understand.

1 - you are a liar.

3 - sometimes i want a lil water in my lungs. you help me drown. thank you. this is not sarcastic.

5 - i never realized how bad you hurt me without doing a single thing.

5 - sometimes i wonder if you try like i do.

3 - i want to know if you're telling the truth.

6 - how long til you start talking? i give it a week.

1 - the more i find out who you are, the more you disgust me.

2 - im sorry i make you all uncomfortable.

3 - you leave me wondering. wondering so many things.

what the fuck is wrong with you people

2007-04-06T18:22:00.001-04:00

once again, another reason why I hate Glendon. Gossip spreads like crazy, people are over dramatic, and no one can be expected to tell me the truth.

thank you Glendon for another shitty mood.

And ya know what's weird...

2007-04-05T02:47:00.000-04:00

he has come to every show I've been in. I believe he has missed one of Koi-San, but none of Live Chat. Not a single one of my friends have done that... excluding Becca because she's on lights and Brynn because she's calling the show.

Huh. Interesting.

I've got your voice on tape

2007-04-03T22:05:00.000-04:00

I wish I knew what was going on. I'm kind of lost in my own mind and self-inflicted problems.

Sorry, I just feel like writing. I have this strong urge to just write and write and write some more. I don't have a topic, hell, I don't even have a point.

I have all these fabulous plans for next year and this summer but when it all comes down to it I think I'm going to be very lonely. But, really, how is that different from this year? I mean why else do I write a play about a lonely awkward person. Not because it's about my friend, no, it in fact was not modeled after who everyone thinks it is. He is just my interpretation of lonliness that got lucky.

I feel like emptying myself through words. It sounds stupid but I know I'll feel refreshed. I guess it's time to start up the paper journal again. The personal one. The pathetic one.

I hope I can find something this summer to push away these feelings. Or someone. Even if it was just an unconditional summer friend. Just for the summer. I hate admitting it, but I'm jealous of everyone else. I'm jealous that everyone seeks out my friends, I seek out my friends, but how come I am not sought after? Everyone has people without worry. I just don't feel connected to anyone. But when I do feel connected, the problem is they don't want to be or try not to be connected to me. I feel when people push me away, but if they enjoy my company why do they push away?

I hate that I am not worth anyones time.

Time to switch to paper. This is too much.

penis penis penis, vagina vagina vagina

2007-04-03T00:04:00.001-04:00

I think it's funny when I tell guys that my vagina is bleeding.

collapses

2007-03-31T18:30:00.000-04:00

My body feels so weak today. In fact, Ive felt weak for a good portion of this week. I think there is something wrong, I just don't know what it is. I'm tryng to keep my energy up so I don't think people have noticed but I am so afraid of crashing.

throw away my misery... it never sent a get well card

2007-03-30T23:12:00.000-04:00

My play went over very well. People seemed to have enjoyed it.

How come I'm not any happier?

i got a letter this mornin', what do you wreckon it read?

2007-03-23T13:39:00.000-04:00

I wrote a letter to myself today. It was reassuring. It looks very.... self involved, but it really wasn't meant that way. I just needed to tell myself what i thought... of myself. It's just that lately people have been saying things that make me feel shitty, like I'm lesser. And I might be, but I don't want to think that way. No one has meant to hurt me, they are just stating their feelings. It just so happens that their feelings turn me into something that's not worth their time. I feel bad that I feel like shit from the comments. I don't really deserve to feel bad. The letter is just comforting to me. I like it. It's honest. It's something for me.

with no reason

2007-03-21T17:23:00.000-04:00

None at all. They just started to fall and I could do nothing to stop them. Not a damn thing. I don't know what to do. I'd love to say there's some underlying reason that has my feelings in fury but, honestly speaking, it's not my feelings. If I were sad, I'd know it. If I were angry, I'd know it. I know my own goddamn mind. So why can't I figure out what's going on?
Maybe because I don't know whta's going on in other aspects of my life. Not bloody likely.

dangerous life

2007-03-18T02:19:00.001-04:00

I am a liar. Ever word that spills from my mouth is a deception. None of you will ever know me. There is one person I can never lie to, and I'll never know why. It's not that I will tell everything, just that if provoked, I will never lie.

I am so goddamnfuckingretardedly drunk. It's been almost 24 hours of drunkenness. I think i should be dead. But now I drink alone. All by myself.
And the alcohol is oddly comforting. I let it's race en capture me.